My boys

It is very hard writing about my two sons because they always emotionally charge me. I have a hard time being objective or viewing them from an arms length. I never knew the depth of emotion that comes with being a parent. When you love someone and marry, it can end. It did with me. However, the love for your children doesn't change.
When my boys were young and totally reliant on their parents for everything, I always felt in control. I can solve this problem or that, I can console or hug away any problems. I can protect them from all dangers or harm.
Then, something happens. They continue to age. Those single digit years become double digits. Then they are teenagers. Then they hit 20. I remember those years for me. I was smarter then than I am now. So, by default, my sons are now smarter than me since they're in their twenties. I say this because I'm not happy with my current relationship with my sons. I just don't feel that there's any depth to our relationship. It is my issue. They probably aren't looking for anything from me but me just being dad.
My relationship with my father was marred by his alcoholism. He taught me to play golf and we did bond during my teenage years playing golf together. For this, I'm eternally grateful. It keeps good memories of my dad in my head and not just the bad ones. I really lost all touch with my father while I was in my early thirties. I really had no true relationship with him since I went away to college. This bothers me to this day. A relationship is two ways and I was remiss in trying to continue to foster one with my father.
Thus, as I sit here today, I want so bad to make sure that I am always a part of my sons lives. I don't always do the right things for them, whether today or in the past. I know that this will be true in the future as well. But, I want to be their dad-not a friend but dad. My belief is that they are my responsibility for life. Their free time comes when I'm pushing up daisies. I want to fill the role that my mother filled for me. I didn't always appreciate my mother but I have a renewed respect for all she did or didn't do at times.
The one thing that I can and will continue to do is love my boys all the time. I know they know this regardless of the differences that we have and will face. I hope that they will one day say that dad was a good dad. That's my eternal happiness.
Keith aka dad or pops